Another second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year.

30dic10

Well, another year has gone by. 2010 is now just memories stuck in my mind and 2011 is only what I expect it to be. What I want it to be. But that´s only in my mind because nobody can know how is this new year going to be like.

I think I might say that 2010 was a good year. But I don´t know if that´s true or if I want to believe it, even when I´m now trying to be more optimistic. 2010 fucked me up sometimes but I know that´s not anyone´s fault but mine. Each and everyone of the  things that fucked me up to me this year were my fault because they could have been avoided or at least shouldn´t have hurt me the way they did because maybe I shouldn´t have dedicated them so much attention and time because at the end I got nothing worth from those. Sometimes I think that the deceptions and let downs that we go through are just as bad as we let them be. I know I´m writing this right now and it seems easy but it´s not, even when I think this way, when I say not to care too much about stuff and let downs, it´s way easier say it than  doing it. When you´re facing the real deal even when it may not be that big thing but it´s important to you it´s fucking difficult to pretend that you don´t care or to try not to care. Eventually one goes over that and moves on but in the moment it just sucks, hurts, fucks you up. Me jode.

And that kind of things happened to me at least one time this year. Now I don´t care anymore about it but in the moment it was just  a demostration of how stupid I could be for letting that happen to me.

But I could say good things happened to me, and I´m grateful for those.

I think I can say I have a stronger relationship with my friends. I love them all.

I finished High School, I know it´s not that big of a deal, more in the stupid school that I went to, that some people call ¨the best private school in Los Alcarrizos¨. That´s fucking bullshit. And if it´s true all the schools in Los Alcarrizos fucking suck. Si el Colegio Parroquial San Antonio de Padua es el mejor colegio de Los Alcarrizos todos son una mierda. And I´m not saying that because I´m not grateful or anything. I had good times. But it´s  a business and I paid for it they should have given a better service, the best thing that I got from that School are my friends and that´s it. They have good teachers but that´s not enough. I´m happy I don´t have to go there anymore.

As soon as i got out from High School I started looking for a job. And 3 months later I finally got one and I hope to keep it for a long time. I really do. So I´m trying to do my best and I just want to get better at it everyday that goes by because I do need it.

My failures in 2010 were more of the same, more of the same stupid things that are wrong with my personality and that I´ve tried to change so many times, over and over, get rid of those aspects of myself that I don´t like and that are holding me back and that I don´t know how to get over them anymore. I´m not giving up on getting rid of those and now I want to do it more than ever.

2011 has me scared, but not only scared but  also excited and nervous. I don´t know how it´s gonna go. I´m scared that I might fail at my job and not be good enough at school. I chose a career that many people say might not be the best one for me because I don´t have the artsy formation or that I am more like a math or logical person. I don´t know how it´s gonna be and that´s got me thinking a lot.

But if it were only about my job and school, I´d be fine. I can do that. But a job and a school are not the only things I need. I need something more and I have no idea how I will I get that because everytime I´ve tried I´ve failed and I know the reasons that have caused me to fail and I´ve tried to change that but I´ve not been successful, I always go back to the same shit and make a mess of myself. And that´s what I am scared of the most, not being able to overcome that soon because that´s really hurting me. That´s what I think about the most and that makes me feel the worse. When someone asks me about that situation and I have to give the same answer again it just makes me feel like shit. I don´t know how I will end up.  And that keeps me stressed. I just want to get better. I just want to be able to do it. To be a normal guy and that everything comes out naturally as it should be but it doesn´t come out that way with me.

In 2011 I just need that. Keep my Job, do good at school and complete the third thing. I don´t know how I will but I know I have to.

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